Destination: EUROPE

Before the pregnancy, Jeffrey and I were avid travelers and always had "itchy feet" to be in new places, see new things, try new foods and experience new cultures...

But with the pregnancy that all changed. We become focused and although somewhat reluctant at first to put away our traveling shoes, we were happy and elated to do it.

We soon thought about NOTHING else, but how to prepare for the arrival of our baby. Our lives were consumed with planning for it, being excited about it and looking forward to our new adventure of being parents...

After the loss, we just felt so extremely and utterly lost. My role especially, as a woman and as a supposed to be new mum. I didn't know what to do and where to go from here. What was I supposed to do now? I'd never felt so empty, physically and then emotionally.

So weeks later, slowly recovering... there is life after loss. Life went on, Jeffrey went back to work, I should go back to work soon too, the physical pain is gone and the emotional pain, it's still there and probably always will be, but I think I have just gotten stronger and more hopeful everyday.

Jeffrey however felt like we still needed to heal and that the best therapy for both of us, was to take out our traveling shoes, and set out to new destinations and new adventures.

He knew that we both needed something new to plan for, look forward to and be excited about...

So with excitement, Jeffrey and I will be returning to Rome, Italy, his favorite destination NEXT MONTH. We will also be visiting Paris for a day, seeing the ruins at Pompei, visiting Sorrento, taking in the views of the Amalfi Coast and taking a ferry to the Isles of Capri (if the weather permits). I look forward to blogging about it...

Paris, France

Rome, Italy

Sorrento, Italy

Amalfi, Italy

Capri, Italy

The silver lining...

It's been a week. One long, grueling and painful week.

Both Jeffrey and I have our ups and downs. Most days, we are "OK"... There are times, where I feel fine. Where I feel like I've accepted what has happened.

I know the odds, the statistics, the science behind all this. And even from my faith, I truly and wholeheartedly believe there was a reason for all this and God has other plans for us. When I think rationally with my head or when I believe through my faith, I'm ok. I feel strong. But it's my heart that still hurts. It still aches. The pain and the loss is something which I know will take longer to overcome.

I often tell Jeffrey, I just wanted to see our baby again. Even through the ultrasound. Just to see his or her heartbeat one last time. Or I wish we knew it if we were going to have a boy or girl, I wish we could have seen his or her face... Just once. I wish I got to see my belly grow bigger or I got to feel the baby kick. I wish so many things.

But no matter how much it hurts me, how much it hurts us... I still see the silver lining through all these dark clouds. It's faint, but I know it is there. I am still grateful, that I ever got to see a heartbeat, that I got to "meet" our baby. I am still grateful that I got to feel and experience a love so deep and so unconditional, and I am grateful I got to be a mother even for a short while. I still count my blessings and I am still honored.

I also realize that despite everything, I truly have a wonderful, loving and supportive husband. I am so glad it is with him that I have gone through this. Like I said in my very first blog entry, no matter what we were going to go through, be it big, be it small, be it scary, be it exciting, it was going to be with him. I thank God for him.