My bittersweet mother's day

Today I am both sad and happy... As Jeffrey said in his mother's day card, "This year we became parents and together we experienced one of the worst thing parents could ever experience..."

It still hurts and I still cry at times.

But like I've always said, I'm still grateful I even got the brief chance to experience being a mother and to feel such an intense bond. I am also comforted in knowing I have such a wonderful partner and that when the right time comes, our child will grow up in a very loving home with parents who will adore him/her. I am a good wife because you are a good husband. Thank you for everything... I love you.

Today I also celebrate my own mother and all the other mothers out there who love their children unconditionally and who sacrifice anything and everything for them everyday... I hope I get to be a mum again... one day...

An ode to my mother...

My mother is and has always been my hero. She is the pillar of our family of 6. From moving from country to country and continent to continent, in our life of constant change, my mum has been the one thing we could always rely on NOT to change. She was our constant in our constantly changing world.

Furthermore, my mum is a strong individual who has always believed in us, supported us and motivated us children. She is the reason why I am a nurse. Because she believed that I could be and because I aspired to be as good and dedicated a nurse as she was. My mum kept saying that we always had to be good role models and "well rounded individuals". I realize how important it is to be and whatever good there is in me, I know I owe it to her...

I love you mum...

Destination: EUROPE

Before the pregnancy, Jeffrey and I were avid travelers and always had "itchy feet" to be in new places, see new things, try new foods and experience new cultures...

But with the pregnancy that all changed. We become focused and although somewhat reluctant at first to put away our traveling shoes, we were happy and elated to do it.

We soon thought about NOTHING else, but how to prepare for the arrival of our baby. Our lives were consumed with planning for it, being excited about it and looking forward to our new adventure of being parents...

After the loss, we just felt so extremely and utterly lost. My role especially, as a woman and as a supposed to be new mum. I didn't know what to do and where to go from here. What was I supposed to do now? I'd never felt so empty, physically and then emotionally.

So weeks later, slowly recovering... there is life after loss. Life went on, Jeffrey went back to work, I should go back to work soon too, the physical pain is gone and the emotional pain, it's still there and probably always will be, but I think I have just gotten stronger and more hopeful everyday.

Jeffrey however felt like we still needed to heal and that the best therapy for both of us, was to take out our traveling shoes, and set out to new destinations and new adventures.

He knew that we both needed something new to plan for, look forward to and be excited about...

So with excitement, Jeffrey and I will be returning to Rome, Italy, his favorite destination NEXT MONTH. We will also be visiting Paris for a day, seeing the ruins at Pompei, visiting Sorrento, taking in the views of the Amalfi Coast and taking a ferry to the Isles of Capri (if the weather permits). I look forward to blogging about it...

Paris, France

Rome, Italy

Sorrento, Italy

Amalfi, Italy

Capri, Italy

The silver lining...

It's been a week. One long, grueling and painful week.

Both Jeffrey and I have our ups and downs. Most days, we are "OK"... There are times, where I feel fine. Where I feel like I've accepted what has happened.

I know the odds, the statistics, the science behind all this. And even from my faith, I truly and wholeheartedly believe there was a reason for all this and God has other plans for us. When I think rationally with my head or when I believe through my faith, I'm ok. I feel strong. But it's my heart that still hurts. It still aches. The pain and the loss is something which I know will take longer to overcome.

I often tell Jeffrey, I just wanted to see our baby again. Even through the ultrasound. Just to see his or her heartbeat one last time. Or I wish we knew it if we were going to have a boy or girl, I wish we could have seen his or her face... Just once. I wish I got to see my belly grow bigger or I got to feel the baby kick. I wish so many things.

But no matter how much it hurts me, how much it hurts us... I still see the silver lining through all these dark clouds. It's faint, but I know it is there. I am still grateful, that I ever got to see a heartbeat, that I got to "meet" our baby. I am still grateful that I got to feel and experience a love so deep and so unconditional, and I am grateful I got to be a mother even for a short while. I still count my blessings and I am still honored.

I also realize that despite everything, I truly have a wonderful, loving and supportive husband. I am so glad it is with him that I have gone through this. Like I said in my very first blog entry, no matter what we were going to go through, be it big, be it small, be it scary, be it exciting, it was going to be with him. I thank God for him.

The one in the bed

Being the "patient" today instead of the "nurse" seemed like such a surreal experience.

It made me appreciate my profession and what I can do to touch people's lives, what I can do to comfort them in difficult times or in emotionally and physically painful times, because today I was touched. I was comforted. I never realized how capable just the touch on my shoulder or how holding my hand or a hug could make so much difference. I've often done this, yet not really known or fathomed its significance till now. My nurse, knew my pain, though maybe not completely, but she knew I was hurting. She knew I did not want to be there, that I did not want to be the "one in the bed."

A friend of mine, RN, who also works in the Operating Room took time to come by my room hug me, hug Jeffrey and my mum... It meant so much to me. As tears were flowing, my ate Caroline comforted me and said, "Even though people tell you it's ok, it's not ok." She was right, I lost someone I loved with all my heart and unconditionally, someone for whom I would have given my own heartbeat for just to hear his/hers. It was not ok, I was hurting and she let me be hurt, she gave me permission to mourn, to be sad, to be broken because this was it: this was saying goodbye. I will never ever forget this gesture. Thank you ate Caroline...

Now hours after my procedure, I am recovering well. Groggy, drowsy and probably still high from the general anesthesia, but I feel that I am on my way to healing. Physically and emotionally. Jeffrey and I feel this was the last hurdle to overcome to finally start moving on and moving forward. Thank you all for your continued support, help, well wishes, love, hugs, cyber hugs and kisses, whatsapp messages, FB messages, texts, calls, emails and for simply being there. Many of you tell me there's nothing you can say, but truthfully, just recognizing and validating our suffering already helps in so many ways.

Lastly I want to say that I hope this experience continues to help me grow as a person, as a woman and as a future mother. I also hope this helps me become a better nurse now that I know what it feels to be on the other side...

"NPO p MN"

"NPO p MN" usually doctors orders that I give to my patients before surgery, before a procedure, before a lab draw... For those who don't know it means, NPO stands for nul per os (Latin for nothing by mouth), p = post (Latin for after) and MN a medical abbreviation for 'midnight.'

I haven't ever been on the receiving end of such doctors orders. I enforce these orders, so to be on the other end of the spectrum feels so odd, so foreign to me.

After a bad day working on my floor at the hospital, when I am almost in tears from frustration and or despair, a coworker used to say, "You have to remember that it is always a good day when you are the one that's not in the hospital bed." (CW) And I lived by this quote. Because no matter how hard I had it, the sick people I cared for, always had it worse.

In 10 hours more or less, it will be me in the hospital bed...

I admit that I am scared. I am nervous and so very anxious. But I know that the procedure is medically necessary and also emotionally necessary. It will remove from me any remainder of this pregnancy which once brought the most immense joy but then also the most immense devastation. I hope it will allow us to start rebuilding our lives and also our future.

For Jeffrey and I, the healing cannot truly commence till my procedure is over. I think and I hope from then onward, we can finally start picking up the shards and shattered pieces of our broken hearts...

Pet therapy

I always knew that dogs were smart and loyal... And that they were more than merely "man's best friend"... Dogs are like family. But Rilo, he is even more now. I feel that he senses something was wrong since this morning. And after the devastating news, he slept right by me... Right by my tummy...

Don't worry Rilo, you'll have a baby brother/sister sometime in the future...

"It wasn't meant to be... It wasn't the right time..."

So with great sadness, I regret to announce that I had a missed miscarriage...

As a person who works in the healthcare industry, I know that the statistics say that 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in a miscarriage. As a nurse, I know that it can happen to anyone, even healthy women. I understand, that it may have been attributed to chromosomal abnormalities and I also know that there was nothing we did wrong or nothing that we could have done to avoid this... As a pessimist, I have always expected the worse. I always imagine the worst... But what all of us pessimistic people truly and secretly hope, is it that we could be proven wrong.

I knew this morning, that the painful cramps and bloody discharge were not good signs. I had a terrible feeling but I hoped against hope. I knew that at the doctor's office, when the doctor heard nothing on the Doppler that there was something wrong, but I still hoped against hope... Then when the ultrasound showed an underdeveloped embryo and there was no heartbeat, I could not hope anymore.

The silence, the lack of a heartbeat... the loss of hope. And being right. I did not want to be right... not this time. My heart broke. It still breaks.

The hopes, the aspirations, the future with our baby, with "our family"... And having to let go of all of that... How do I say "goodbye" and "I love you" before I've even had a chance to say "hello"? How do I begin to let go?

I take some comfort in knowing that it was simply not meant to be. Not this time and not now. Jeffrey and I had been praying every night for a healthy child, and I told him, maybe this is the answer to our prayer. Maybe it would not have been a healthy child or a healthy pregnancy. I am consoled by the fact that maybe this is God's way of saying this is not the right time for us.

I want to thank you all for allowing me to share so much of my thoughts, my feelings and myself with you. It has meant so much to both Jeffrey and I. As my closest friends and family, I appreciate you all being able to celebrate with me in my joy and happiness as well as share in my sadness and pain. I love you all very much...

And so this ends our journey toward parenthood. For now. I know and I still hope that our time will come. In God's time, at the right time, when it is meant to be...

Quotable quotes from you all (Part I)

Just cute or meaningful or funny things you have all said to us...

When I told my baby sister how worried I was about not being ready for pregnancy physically because I was eating sushi, snowboarding, drinking tons of coffee everyday, taking medication, eating runny egg yolk etc:

"Ate Abbey, there are crackwhores who don't even know they're pregnant and pop out perfectly healthy babies" Adonna Ronquillo

When I told my baby sister how scared I was about being pregnant and how I wasn't ready emotionally or psychologically:

"Ate Abbey, if not now then maybe never... It's the right time Atz" Adonna Ronquillo

"I'm going to call the baby, 'baby cheekbones'" Kimberly Reyes

"You are going to be a yummy mummy" Claire Buyson

When I told her I was worried about being one of those unattractive, brute and butch pregnant women with a 'pregnant nose':

"don't worry you're such a nice person, that always outshines anything. Who cares about a pregnant nose - you're having a baby!!" Meesh Pineda

My ninang worried about my previous complications in the pregnancy:

"Make sure you take care of yourself and don't do anything in the house, don't lift a finger, don't carry heavy things, you make Jeffrey do EVERTHING! You just tell him what needs to be done" Ninang Norma :) hehe

Jeffrey said this to me after previously worrying about the inability to get me pregnant:

"Guess there's nothing wrong with me after all" Jeffrey Vasquez haha

My brother in disbelief after my sister told him I was pregnant:

"I won't believe it until it's on Facebook!" GP See

Week 12 - My last week in the first trimester

This is before church, can you see my bump yet? Or is it still pre-existing belly?? :)

Today after church we ate at a Chinese food buffet, and in Jeffrey's fortune cookie this little note... Wish we got this memo 3 months ago :)

So, after my horrendous 11th week, things have gotten so much better! I sleep better, eat better (although today at the buffet I only did 2 plates, I can usually do 4-5 rounds - Ask GP!), poo better... I'm starting to feel like myself again, almost as if I'm not pregnant! I think this is what many have referred to as the "golden period" of pregnancy: the 2nd trimester! I'm almost there...

Week 11

Late Entry... Sometime last week...

So thus far, pregnancy has me kind of all over the place... So in short, here is a list of pros and cons of my first trimester...

Let's start with the bad: CONS

1. I still have waves of nausea... and sometimes I start to dry heave mid-sentence. Can be quite embarrassing and not to mention offensive! I mean gagging in someone's face? I'd be offended... And as a consequence, my appetite is so-so... BUT then... (continue reading #2)

2. I have violent hunger pangs. And by violent it means, food must ENTER my mouth in no more than a few seconds OR ELSE... No seriously, I start to tremor and get really weak. I think those are signs of low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) because the baby is siphoning all the nutrients from me.

3. Lethargy. I have no energy... I think that's why it's taking me this long to do an entry here... I wake up tired, eat, then nap, then eat, then nap... It's like I never fully recover. It's exhausting yet I don't do anything!

4. My hair: So other people have told me, your hair gets thicker... And I get it, mine is like thick and healthy it's lovely... but my BABY HAIRS! They are out of control! They have grown exponentially and now have created layers and a bangs for me! I thought this happened after giving birth! It's completely bizarre and makes me have bad hair days every day :(

5. My skin: So I remember someone telling me once, that her feet got so dry... And low and behold, mine have become like hobbit feet. Once, in bed, Jeffrey asked me if I was wearing shoes... :S Yes people, my skin is so rough. I just don't understand...

6. Diarrhea or constipation or BOTH. So my digestive system is out of whack. Was expecting this, but boy, it's just a pain in the ass... pun intended! haha

7. Mood swings. My hormones are crazy. One minute I'm laughing, next minute I'm crying... One minute I'm needy, next minute I need space and want to be alone. Poor husband of mine.

8. Indigestion. Once I had heartburn so bad, I thought I was dying. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or a gallstone attack... Well they still haven't ruled out the gallstones. But it hasn't come back since.

9. Pregnancy brain. I used to think it was a myth. But it's true. I'm forgetful. I feel dumb and I feel like my brain has HOLES in it.

10. I miss certain foods. Sushi, runny egg yolk, salami, COFFEE (even though I occasionally drink a cup here and there)

Now for the good, PROS:

1. Jeffrey has no excuse. He must do everything and anything I ask him. It's wonderful and he never questions me... This is will be an awesome 9 months! hehe

2. I have an affinity towards animals. Jeffrey seems to think it's my maternal instinct kicking in, but even though I was an animal lover before, I love them even more now. Too much in fact, that if I see animal cruelty on tv or movies... I start to cry (but this may also play into #7 in list of CONS). So I've been paying extra attention to my doggie and I think he likes it too.

3. I get anything I crave. Been mainly craving sour foods. I love oranges, orange juice, mangoes, grapefruits... Anything sour or tart!

4. Pregnancy is the greatest excuse out of any jam! I've gotten away with so much now that I'm pregnant. hehe

5. I get to be lazy, my excuse #4

6. I get to share wonderful news with friends and family, I get to be happy with people who are happy for us... And I get to hear all of your wonderful well wishes... It's so heart-warming and so touching. Especially when you tell us, "we are going to be good parents". We truly hope to be the best we can be.

7. Jeffrey seems to love me more. I think because he realizes I'm taking on a bigger role in our relationship, well we both are, but I have to be pregnant and give birth... He cares more so now and in such a different way. He kisses my belly. He holds my hand more, he opens doors more, he doesn't make me carry stuff... He appreciates me even more. It's such a wonderful feeling.

8. Even though I have more on my list of CONS, this one trumps them all:

I am going to be a mum.

I'm so excited...

Belly pictures

This is me at 8 weeks. Now on leave I feel so much more rested and so much better

Here I am about 6 weeks, this was right before work

Here I didn't know I was pregnant, I was already about 5 weeks here

Love at first sight

Late entry: Feb 17 2011 ~1500

"Just seeing you, seeing and hearing your heart beat... It made everything ok. Made my constant nausea, my intermittent hunger pangs, my headaches and sleepy spells all worth while. And knowing you were ok, that was the best part. I would do anything for you, anything to make sure you are healthy! I love you and I just met you."

My thoughts seeing my "baby" for the first time. The realization that there is life happening inside of me. I was just in complete in awe. My eyes welled. And this time they were tears of joy.

I still can't believe I'm going to be a mum. Sometimes I wonder, what did I ever do to deserve such an honor and such a blessing.

Two Blue Bars

Late Entry: February 9 ~1700, Orlando FL, in-laws bathroom... Just me and this test. I was terrified. Even my bladder was scared because it refused to release pee. Then when it trickled out, my hands were shivering in fear.

When I finally managed, minutes later: two blue bars.

What did it mean? Was it possible? It just could not possibly be? But the two blue bars stared back at me trying to convince me otherwise.

My eyes welled with tears. But admittedly not happy ones. Our plans, our travels, our future... I wasn't ready, WE weren't ready. We were destined for great adventures back to Australia, back to Europe and to new destinations. I just started at work, I'm a brand new nurse on the floor, I'm supposed to first get comfortable and get experience: I couldn't possibly be prepared for this on top of my already stressful job. And our house, our house is too small and our savings, our savings were not enough. We weren't ready, just not now, not so soon...

Jeffrey hugged me, happily but mainly shocked. He did what he always does in my moments of worry and extreme panic. He hugged me and said, "Everything is going to work out babe, I will take care of BOTH of you"

The future father of my unborn child. The love of my life. My lifetime partner and companion. My bestest friend in the whole wide world. I knew that if I were ever going to go through anything in my life be it big, small, scary, exciting, adventurous, or new, it was going to be with him.

I realized that the two bars meant so much more than my own selfish fears, plans or wants. The two bars were an unexpected blessing. And that this destination will be far more adventurous and exciting than anywhere we have ever cared to venture to, and that any paycheck wasn't worth the NEW job I had just been given. Nursing will be always be there, but motherhood is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And our house, though small, is not just a house, it is our home. And our savings, well, we still have 9 months to work on that.

The two blue bars meant the world to me. They told me I was going to be a mum.