"It wasn't meant to be... It wasn't the right time..."

So with great sadness, I regret to announce that I had a missed miscarriage...

As a person who works in the healthcare industry, I know that the statistics say that 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in a miscarriage. As a nurse, I know that it can happen to anyone, even healthy women. I understand, that it may have been attributed to chromosomal abnormalities and I also know that there was nothing we did wrong or nothing that we could have done to avoid this... As a pessimist, I have always expected the worse. I always imagine the worst... But what all of us pessimistic people truly and secretly hope, is it that we could be proven wrong.

I knew this morning, that the painful cramps and bloody discharge were not good signs. I had a terrible feeling but I hoped against hope. I knew that at the doctor's office, when the doctor heard nothing on the Doppler that there was something wrong, but I still hoped against hope... Then when the ultrasound showed an underdeveloped embryo and there was no heartbeat, I could not hope anymore.

The silence, the lack of a heartbeat... the loss of hope. And being right. I did not want to be right... not this time. My heart broke. It still breaks.

The hopes, the aspirations, the future with our baby, with "our family"... And having to let go of all of that... How do I say "goodbye" and "I love you" before I've even had a chance to say "hello"? How do I begin to let go?

I take some comfort in knowing that it was simply not meant to be. Not this time and not now. Jeffrey and I had been praying every night for a healthy child, and I told him, maybe this is the answer to our prayer. Maybe it would not have been a healthy child or a healthy pregnancy. I am consoled by the fact that maybe this is God's way of saying this is not the right time for us.

I want to thank you all for allowing me to share so much of my thoughts, my feelings and myself with you. It has meant so much to both Jeffrey and I. As my closest friends and family, I appreciate you all being able to celebrate with me in my joy and happiness as well as share in my sadness and pain. I love you all very much...

And so this ends our journey toward parenthood. For now. I know and I still hope that our time will come. In God's time, at the right time, when it is meant to be...