The one in the bed

Being the "patient" today instead of the "nurse" seemed like such a surreal experience.

It made me appreciate my profession and what I can do to touch people's lives, what I can do to comfort them in difficult times or in emotionally and physically painful times, because today I was touched. I was comforted. I never realized how capable just the touch on my shoulder or how holding my hand or a hug could make so much difference. I've often done this, yet not really known or fathomed its significance till now. My nurse, knew my pain, though maybe not completely, but she knew I was hurting. She knew I did not want to be there, that I did not want to be the "one in the bed."

A friend of mine, RN, who also works in the Operating Room took time to come by my room hug me, hug Jeffrey and my mum... It meant so much to me. As tears were flowing, my ate Caroline comforted me and said, "Even though people tell you it's ok, it's not ok." She was right, I lost someone I loved with all my heart and unconditionally, someone for whom I would have given my own heartbeat for just to hear his/hers. It was not ok, I was hurting and she let me be hurt, she gave me permission to mourn, to be sad, to be broken because this was it: this was saying goodbye. I will never ever forget this gesture. Thank you ate Caroline...

Now hours after my procedure, I am recovering well. Groggy, drowsy and probably still high from the general anesthesia, but I feel that I am on my way to healing. Physically and emotionally. Jeffrey and I feel this was the last hurdle to overcome to finally start moving on and moving forward. Thank you all for your continued support, help, well wishes, love, hugs, cyber hugs and kisses, whatsapp messages, FB messages, texts, calls, emails and for simply being there. Many of you tell me there's nothing you can say, but truthfully, just recognizing and validating our suffering already helps in so many ways.

Lastly I want to say that I hope this experience continues to help me grow as a person, as a woman and as a future mother. I also hope this helps me become a better nurse now that I know what it feels to be on the other side...

"NPO p MN"

"NPO p MN" usually doctors orders that I give to my patients before surgery, before a procedure, before a lab draw... For those who don't know it means, NPO stands for nul per os (Latin for nothing by mouth), p = post (Latin for after) and MN a medical abbreviation for 'midnight.'

I haven't ever been on the receiving end of such doctors orders. I enforce these orders, so to be on the other end of the spectrum feels so odd, so foreign to me.

After a bad day working on my floor at the hospital, when I am almost in tears from frustration and or despair, a coworker used to say, "You have to remember that it is always a good day when you are the one that's not in the hospital bed." (CW) And I lived by this quote. Because no matter how hard I had it, the sick people I cared for, always had it worse.

In 10 hours more or less, it will be me in the hospital bed...

I admit that I am scared. I am nervous and so very anxious. But I know that the procedure is medically necessary and also emotionally necessary. It will remove from me any remainder of this pregnancy which once brought the most immense joy but then also the most immense devastation. I hope it will allow us to start rebuilding our lives and also our future.

For Jeffrey and I, the healing cannot truly commence till my procedure is over. I think and I hope from then onward, we can finally start picking up the shards and shattered pieces of our broken hearts...

Pet therapy

I always knew that dogs were smart and loyal... And that they were more than merely "man's best friend"... Dogs are like family. But Rilo, he is even more now. I feel that he senses something was wrong since this morning. And after the devastating news, he slept right by me... Right by my tummy...

Don't worry Rilo, you'll have a baby brother/sister sometime in the future...

"It wasn't meant to be... It wasn't the right time..."

So with great sadness, I regret to announce that I had a missed miscarriage...

As a person who works in the healthcare industry, I know that the statistics say that 1 in 4 pregnancies can end in a miscarriage. As a nurse, I know that it can happen to anyone, even healthy women. I understand, that it may have been attributed to chromosomal abnormalities and I also know that there was nothing we did wrong or nothing that we could have done to avoid this... As a pessimist, I have always expected the worse. I always imagine the worst... But what all of us pessimistic people truly and secretly hope, is it that we could be proven wrong.

I knew this morning, that the painful cramps and bloody discharge were not good signs. I had a terrible feeling but I hoped against hope. I knew that at the doctor's office, when the doctor heard nothing on the Doppler that there was something wrong, but I still hoped against hope... Then when the ultrasound showed an underdeveloped embryo and there was no heartbeat, I could not hope anymore.

The silence, the lack of a heartbeat... the loss of hope. And being right. I did not want to be right... not this time. My heart broke. It still breaks.

The hopes, the aspirations, the future with our baby, with "our family"... And having to let go of all of that... How do I say "goodbye" and "I love you" before I've even had a chance to say "hello"? How do I begin to let go?

I take some comfort in knowing that it was simply not meant to be. Not this time and not now. Jeffrey and I had been praying every night for a healthy child, and I told him, maybe this is the answer to our prayer. Maybe it would not have been a healthy child or a healthy pregnancy. I am consoled by the fact that maybe this is God's way of saying this is not the right time for us.

I want to thank you all for allowing me to share so much of my thoughts, my feelings and myself with you. It has meant so much to both Jeffrey and I. As my closest friends and family, I appreciate you all being able to celebrate with me in my joy and happiness as well as share in my sadness and pain. I love you all very much...

And so this ends our journey toward parenthood. For now. I know and I still hope that our time will come. In God's time, at the right time, when it is meant to be...

Quotable quotes from you all (Part I)

Just cute or meaningful or funny things you have all said to us...

When I told my baby sister how worried I was about not being ready for pregnancy physically because I was eating sushi, snowboarding, drinking tons of coffee everyday, taking medication, eating runny egg yolk etc:

"Ate Abbey, there are crackwhores who don't even know they're pregnant and pop out perfectly healthy babies" Adonna Ronquillo

When I told my baby sister how scared I was about being pregnant and how I wasn't ready emotionally or psychologically:

"Ate Abbey, if not now then maybe never... It's the right time Atz" Adonna Ronquillo

"I'm going to call the baby, 'baby cheekbones'" Kimberly Reyes

"You are going to be a yummy mummy" Claire Buyson

When I told her I was worried about being one of those unattractive, brute and butch pregnant women with a 'pregnant nose':

"don't worry you're such a nice person, that always outshines anything. Who cares about a pregnant nose - you're having a baby!!" Meesh Pineda

My ninang worried about my previous complications in the pregnancy:

"Make sure you take care of yourself and don't do anything in the house, don't lift a finger, don't carry heavy things, you make Jeffrey do EVERTHING! You just tell him what needs to be done" Ninang Norma :) hehe

Jeffrey said this to me after previously worrying about the inability to get me pregnant:

"Guess there's nothing wrong with me after all" Jeffrey Vasquez haha

My brother in disbelief after my sister told him I was pregnant:

"I won't believe it until it's on Facebook!" GP See

Week 12 - My last week in the first trimester

This is before church, can you see my bump yet? Or is it still pre-existing belly?? :)

Today after church we ate at a Chinese food buffet, and in Jeffrey's fortune cookie this little note... Wish we got this memo 3 months ago :)

So, after my horrendous 11th week, things have gotten so much better! I sleep better, eat better (although today at the buffet I only did 2 plates, I can usually do 4-5 rounds - Ask GP!), poo better... I'm starting to feel like myself again, almost as if I'm not pregnant! I think this is what many have referred to as the "golden period" of pregnancy: the 2nd trimester! I'm almost there...

Week 11

Late Entry... Sometime last week...

So thus far, pregnancy has me kind of all over the place... So in short, here is a list of pros and cons of my first trimester...

Let's start with the bad: CONS

1. I still have waves of nausea... and sometimes I start to dry heave mid-sentence. Can be quite embarrassing and not to mention offensive! I mean gagging in someone's face? I'd be offended... And as a consequence, my appetite is so-so... BUT then... (continue reading #2)

2. I have violent hunger pangs. And by violent it means, food must ENTER my mouth in no more than a few seconds OR ELSE... No seriously, I start to tremor and get really weak. I think those are signs of low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) because the baby is siphoning all the nutrients from me.

3. Lethargy. I have no energy... I think that's why it's taking me this long to do an entry here... I wake up tired, eat, then nap, then eat, then nap... It's like I never fully recover. It's exhausting yet I don't do anything!

4. My hair: So other people have told me, your hair gets thicker... And I get it, mine is like thick and healthy it's lovely... but my BABY HAIRS! They are out of control! They have grown exponentially and now have created layers and a bangs for me! I thought this happened after giving birth! It's completely bizarre and makes me have bad hair days every day :(

5. My skin: So I remember someone telling me once, that her feet got so dry... And low and behold, mine have become like hobbit feet. Once, in bed, Jeffrey asked me if I was wearing shoes... :S Yes people, my skin is so rough. I just don't understand...

6. Diarrhea or constipation or BOTH. So my digestive system is out of whack. Was expecting this, but boy, it's just a pain in the ass... pun intended! haha

7. Mood swings. My hormones are crazy. One minute I'm laughing, next minute I'm crying... One minute I'm needy, next minute I need space and want to be alone. Poor husband of mine.

8. Indigestion. Once I had heartburn so bad, I thought I was dying. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or a gallstone attack... Well they still haven't ruled out the gallstones. But it hasn't come back since.

9. Pregnancy brain. I used to think it was a myth. But it's true. I'm forgetful. I feel dumb and I feel like my brain has HOLES in it.

10. I miss certain foods. Sushi, runny egg yolk, salami, COFFEE (even though I occasionally drink a cup here and there)

Now for the good, PROS:

1. Jeffrey has no excuse. He must do everything and anything I ask him. It's wonderful and he never questions me... This is will be an awesome 9 months! hehe

2. I have an affinity towards animals. Jeffrey seems to think it's my maternal instinct kicking in, but even though I was an animal lover before, I love them even more now. Too much in fact, that if I see animal cruelty on tv or movies... I start to cry (but this may also play into #7 in list of CONS). So I've been paying extra attention to my doggie and I think he likes it too.

3. I get anything I crave. Been mainly craving sour foods. I love oranges, orange juice, mangoes, grapefruits... Anything sour or tart!

4. Pregnancy is the greatest excuse out of any jam! I've gotten away with so much now that I'm pregnant. hehe

5. I get to be lazy, my excuse #4

6. I get to share wonderful news with friends and family, I get to be happy with people who are happy for us... And I get to hear all of your wonderful well wishes... It's so heart-warming and so touching. Especially when you tell us, "we are going to be good parents". We truly hope to be the best we can be.

7. Jeffrey seems to love me more. I think because he realizes I'm taking on a bigger role in our relationship, well we both are, but I have to be pregnant and give birth... He cares more so now and in such a different way. He kisses my belly. He holds my hand more, he opens doors more, he doesn't make me carry stuff... He appreciates me even more. It's such a wonderful feeling.

8. Even though I have more on my list of CONS, this one trumps them all:

I am going to be a mum.

I'm so excited...