The silver lining...

It's been a week. One long, grueling and painful week.

Both Jeffrey and I have our ups and downs. Most days, we are "OK"... There are times, where I feel fine. Where I feel like I've accepted what has happened.

I know the odds, the statistics, the science behind all this. And even from my faith, I truly and wholeheartedly believe there was a reason for all this and God has other plans for us. When I think rationally with my head or when I believe through my faith, I'm ok. I feel strong. But it's my heart that still hurts. It still aches. The pain and the loss is something which I know will take longer to overcome.

I often tell Jeffrey, I just wanted to see our baby again. Even through the ultrasound. Just to see his or her heartbeat one last time. Or I wish we knew it if we were going to have a boy or girl, I wish we could have seen his or her face... Just once. I wish I got to see my belly grow bigger or I got to feel the baby kick. I wish so many things.

But no matter how much it hurts me, how much it hurts us... I still see the silver lining through all these dark clouds. It's faint, but I know it is there. I am still grateful, that I ever got to see a heartbeat, that I got to "meet" our baby. I am still grateful that I got to feel and experience a love so deep and so unconditional, and I am grateful I got to be a mother even for a short while. I still count my blessings and I am still honored.

I also realize that despite everything, I truly have a wonderful, loving and supportive husband. I am so glad it is with him that I have gone through this. Like I said in my very first blog entry, no matter what we were going to go through, be it big, be it small, be it scary, be it exciting, it was going to be with him. I thank God for him.