My bittersweet mother's day

Today I am both sad and happy... As Jeffrey said in his mother's day card, "This year we became parents and together we experienced one of the worst thing parents could ever experience..."

It still hurts and I still cry at times.

But like I've always said, I'm still grateful I even got the brief chance to experience being a mother and to feel such an intense bond. I am also comforted in knowing I have such a wonderful partner and that when the right time comes, our child will grow up in a very loving home with parents who will adore him/her. I am a good wife because you are a good husband. Thank you for everything... I love you.

Today I also celebrate my own mother and all the other mothers out there who love their children unconditionally and who sacrifice anything and everything for them everyday... I hope I get to be a mum again... one day...

An ode to my mother...

My mother is and has always been my hero. She is the pillar of our family of 6. From moving from country to country and continent to continent, in our life of constant change, my mum has been the one thing we could always rely on NOT to change. She was our constant in our constantly changing world.

Furthermore, my mum is a strong individual who has always believed in us, supported us and motivated us children. She is the reason why I am a nurse. Because she believed that I could be and because I aspired to be as good and dedicated a nurse as she was. My mum kept saying that we always had to be good role models and "well rounded individuals". I realize how important it is to be and whatever good there is in me, I know I owe it to her...

I love you mum...

Destination: EUROPE

Before the pregnancy, Jeffrey and I were avid travelers and always had "itchy feet" to be in new places, see new things, try new foods and experience new cultures...

But with the pregnancy that all changed. We become focused and although somewhat reluctant at first to put away our traveling shoes, we were happy and elated to do it.

We soon thought about NOTHING else, but how to prepare for the arrival of our baby. Our lives were consumed with planning for it, being excited about it and looking forward to our new adventure of being parents...

After the loss, we just felt so extremely and utterly lost. My role especially, as a woman and as a supposed to be new mum. I didn't know what to do and where to go from here. What was I supposed to do now? I'd never felt so empty, physically and then emotionally.

So weeks later, slowly recovering... there is life after loss. Life went on, Jeffrey went back to work, I should go back to work soon too, the physical pain is gone and the emotional pain, it's still there and probably always will be, but I think I have just gotten stronger and more hopeful everyday.

Jeffrey however felt like we still needed to heal and that the best therapy for both of us, was to take out our traveling shoes, and set out to new destinations and new adventures.

He knew that we both needed something new to plan for, look forward to and be excited about...

So with excitement, Jeffrey and I will be returning to Rome, Italy, his favorite destination NEXT MONTH. We will also be visiting Paris for a day, seeing the ruins at Pompei, visiting Sorrento, taking in the views of the Amalfi Coast and taking a ferry to the Isles of Capri (if the weather permits). I look forward to blogging about it...

Paris, France

Rome, Italy

Sorrento, Italy

Amalfi, Italy

Capri, Italy

The silver lining...

It's been a week. One long, grueling and painful week.

Both Jeffrey and I have our ups and downs. Most days, we are "OK"... There are times, where I feel fine. Where I feel like I've accepted what has happened.

I know the odds, the statistics, the science behind all this. And even from my faith, I truly and wholeheartedly believe there was a reason for all this and God has other plans for us. When I think rationally with my head or when I believe through my faith, I'm ok. I feel strong. But it's my heart that still hurts. It still aches. The pain and the loss is something which I know will take longer to overcome.

I often tell Jeffrey, I just wanted to see our baby again. Even through the ultrasound. Just to see his or her heartbeat one last time. Or I wish we knew it if we were going to have a boy or girl, I wish we could have seen his or her face... Just once. I wish I got to see my belly grow bigger or I got to feel the baby kick. I wish so many things.

But no matter how much it hurts me, how much it hurts us... I still see the silver lining through all these dark clouds. It's faint, but I know it is there. I am still grateful, that I ever got to see a heartbeat, that I got to "meet" our baby. I am still grateful that I got to feel and experience a love so deep and so unconditional, and I am grateful I got to be a mother even for a short while. I still count my blessings and I am still honored.

I also realize that despite everything, I truly have a wonderful, loving and supportive husband. I am so glad it is with him that I have gone through this. Like I said in my very first blog entry, no matter what we were going to go through, be it big, be it small, be it scary, be it exciting, it was going to be with him. I thank God for him.

The one in the bed

Being the "patient" today instead of the "nurse" seemed like such a surreal experience.

It made me appreciate my profession and what I can do to touch people's lives, what I can do to comfort them in difficult times or in emotionally and physically painful times, because today I was touched. I was comforted. I never realized how capable just the touch on my shoulder or how holding my hand or a hug could make so much difference. I've often done this, yet not really known or fathomed its significance till now. My nurse, knew my pain, though maybe not completely, but she knew I was hurting. She knew I did not want to be there, that I did not want to be the "one in the bed."

A friend of mine, RN, who also works in the Operating Room took time to come by my room hug me, hug Jeffrey and my mum... It meant so much to me. As tears were flowing, my ate Caroline comforted me and said, "Even though people tell you it's ok, it's not ok." She was right, I lost someone I loved with all my heart and unconditionally, someone for whom I would have given my own heartbeat for just to hear his/hers. It was not ok, I was hurting and she let me be hurt, she gave me permission to mourn, to be sad, to be broken because this was it: this was saying goodbye. I will never ever forget this gesture. Thank you ate Caroline...

Now hours after my procedure, I am recovering well. Groggy, drowsy and probably still high from the general anesthesia, but I feel that I am on my way to healing. Physically and emotionally. Jeffrey and I feel this was the last hurdle to overcome to finally start moving on and moving forward. Thank you all for your continued support, help, well wishes, love, hugs, cyber hugs and kisses, whatsapp messages, FB messages, texts, calls, emails and for simply being there. Many of you tell me there's nothing you can say, but truthfully, just recognizing and validating our suffering already helps in so many ways.

Lastly I want to say that I hope this experience continues to help me grow as a person, as a woman and as a future mother. I also hope this helps me become a better nurse now that I know what it feels to be on the other side...

"NPO p MN"

"NPO p MN" usually doctors orders that I give to my patients before surgery, before a procedure, before a lab draw... For those who don't know it means, NPO stands for nul per os (Latin for nothing by mouth), p = post (Latin for after) and MN a medical abbreviation for 'midnight.'

I haven't ever been on the receiving end of such doctors orders. I enforce these orders, so to be on the other end of the spectrum feels so odd, so foreign to me.

After a bad day working on my floor at the hospital, when I am almost in tears from frustration and or despair, a coworker used to say, "You have to remember that it is always a good day when you are the one that's not in the hospital bed." (CW) And I lived by this quote. Because no matter how hard I had it, the sick people I cared for, always had it worse.

In 10 hours more or less, it will be me in the hospital bed...

I admit that I am scared. I am nervous and so very anxious. But I know that the procedure is medically necessary and also emotionally necessary. It will remove from me any remainder of this pregnancy which once brought the most immense joy but then also the most immense devastation. I hope it will allow us to start rebuilding our lives and also our future.

For Jeffrey and I, the healing cannot truly commence till my procedure is over. I think and I hope from then onward, we can finally start picking up the shards and shattered pieces of our broken hearts...

Pet therapy

I always knew that dogs were smart and loyal... And that they were more than merely "man's best friend"... Dogs are like family. But Rilo, he is even more now. I feel that he senses something was wrong since this morning. And after the devastating news, he slept right by me... Right by my tummy...

Don't worry Rilo, you'll have a baby brother/sister sometime in the future...